Vengeance on Rose
by Scarf Warriors
Summary: Rose breaks through the void, and is confronted by a furious Doctor. Then another furious Doctor. Then another. Then lots more. Minor language, lots of Rose.
1. Rose Gets Back

Title: Vengeance on Rose

Authors: Mark, Calla

Summary: Rose breaks through the void, and is confronted by a furious doctor. Can she make it up to him?

Disclaimer: THANK GOD I DON'T OWN ROSE!! Shame about Romana and K9. They'd be a laugh. Oh well.

And So Rose's Destiny Begins!

Rose Tyler sat down on the window seat, opened it, looked out into the tidy garden and reminisced.

"Oh, Doctor..."

It really wasn't fair, she thought bitterly. She had loved the Doctor more than anyone else had, and she felt sure that he felt the same... wherever he was.

Couldn't he come back for her? Couldn't he open the void one more time for the one he loved, and to hell with the consequences?

"Oh, Doctor..." she repeated, seemingly having forgotten how to say anything else. "Doctor, oh..."

"Rose! Breakfast!"

"Just coming!" Rose shouted back down the stairs, staring bleakly out of the window (somehow). She wondered why her mother was making breakfast for her on this particular day, because she certainly didn't do this most of the time. She didn't waste much time wondering, though; she was too wrapped up in self-pity to do much thinking anyway.

With faltering steps, Rose began to descend the staircase. A tear trickled slowly down her cheek, and then another. By the time she had actually reached the kitchen she was in full weeping mode, as a pose to maximum defence mode which would probably mean she was a robot dog.

"Oho, Out The Window You Will Go!" shouted her mother, whilst flipping pancakes like a maniac with one hand and adjusting a garish multicoloured party hat with the other. Rose, quite sensibly, stopped crying and started staring incredulously instead.

"Mum? Mum, are you quite all right?"

"Of course I am, Rose!" Jackie Tyler said cheerfully. "Have you forgotten what day it is?"

"Err... Thursday?"

"Nope!"

"Wednesday?"

"I mean, why is this day (it's a Tuesday, anyway) so special? Surely you haven't forgotten!" her mother said, a slight note of exasperation creeping into her voice as she said this.

"Err... I have, mum."

Rose began to cry again.

"IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!" shrieked Jackie, and popped another one of the hideous hats onto Rose's hideous head.

The whole house then began to shake. Her 'father' and Mickey (who she had been sleeping with) came down the stairs.

"What's going on Rose?" asked Mickey the idiot. Then, outside the window, through came a large gold sphere. Rose and Mickey gazed at it in horror, while Jackie gazed in mild bemusement and Pete just gazed.

"Isn't that..."

"That is a sight I had never hoped to see again," said Mickey mouse.

"...a big gold bouncy ball!" finished Rose. Mickey finn ran outside to the Dalek void ship. It opened, and the Cult Of Skaro emerged.

"Exterminate! EXTERMINAAAATE!!" shouted Caan at Mickey. Mickey then sensibly ducked, and the death ray meant for him smashed into Rose's 'father'. Rose's mother screamed ran outside and started smashing Dalek Caan with her ridiculous hat. The attack was so ferocious that Dalek Caan self destructed in a spectacular sheet of flame, which had the 'unfortunate' effect of cooking Jackie to a Jackie shaped crisp. Then, as the void in this world was opened, Rose suddenly lifted into the air, and was being sucked towards the void...

Rose grabbed hold of something to stop her, which unfortunately was Mickey. He too had been into the void, and therefore was lifted also. As her deceased 'parents' flew past her, Rose's leg snagged in a tree, the surprise causing her to let go of Mickey, who flew into the sky before smashing into a taller tree with a thump like a plank hitting a rotten Mickey. A robot dog and a blonde haired Woman flew past, and they both caught in the same tree as Rose. The Void ship flew past just as Rose and Romana (for that is who it was) were torn out of the tree. They landed inside the Void ship, and were flung into the void...

"Ow."

Rose rubbed her leg ruefully. Romana attempted to move but couldn't. She punched Rose, who began to cry again.

"Stop lying on me!" Romana said in annoyance. Rose realised that she was inside a large futuristic room that rather reminded her of the TARDIS, and cried even louder. Romana blinked, unsure of what to do.

"Please stop crying," she said eventually, and then "Please get off me."

Rose got off her.

"First things first, who are you and where are we?" said Romana, trying in vain to get any kind of circulation going. Rose looked around, noticing the tell-tale signs that would give her a clue as to which species and era this ship belonged to.

"Err... no idea."

"Oh. Well, it's a good thing I'm more observant than you, isn't it?" Romana said loftily. "I happen to have picked up some very obvious hints from this decor, and have come to the conclusion that this ship is none other than--"

K9's ears rotated slowly, as if his internal systems had suffered some damage from having first Romana and then Rose land on him. In fact, the fall had probably done more damage to the blonde Time Lady than to her dog, as the large dent in her back paid testimony to. But anyway - back to the story. K9's ears rotated slowly again (you see, they rotated twice.)

"Sensors detect Dalek ship, Mistress," he said, interrupting Romana mid-sentence and just as she was about to reveal the terrible fact.

"Yes, I know! I WAS just about to say that, K9!"

"K9?" said Rose, pulling an expression slightly less idiotic than her normal face but which would still be considered extremely moronic by us mere mortals. "Isn't that--"

Romana got her own back on K9 by interrupting Rose.

"My robot dog, yes. Am I famous wherever this is, then?"

"Your dog?" gaped Rose. "But... but I thought he was... wait a second, you've travelled with the Doctor!"

"Oh, very perceptive!" snapped Romana. "Top marks for perceptiveness... wait, is that even a word?"

"Affirmative, Mistress."

"Oh. Good."

"I travelled with the Doctor too!" said Rose, positively gushing with horrible gushiness. "He regenerated when I was with him, it was amazing, there was just this... and then, and then..."

"His standards seem to have lowered a lot since I last travelled with him," sniffed Romana.

"I bet you've never seen a Time Lord regenerate, you nasty woman!" shrieked Rose. For some reason, she was completely overreacting. "You keep talking, but I bet you haven't seen half the things I have! I bet you don't even know what a Time Lord is!"

"I wouldn't bet on that," said Romana, laughing quietly to herself.

"Err why?"

"Well, silly young girl, I am 140 years old. This is my second regeneration. My full name is Romanadvoratrelundar and I AM A TIME LADY!!" Romana shouted into Rose's horrible ear. Rose promptly burst into tears again. Romana smashed her over the back of her head, knocking her over. Rose picked herself up with a strange look in her eyes. She picked up K9 and began to bash Romana over the head with him. Romana was knocked senseless. Rose looked at the controls, and with extremely luckily gained knowledge piloted the void ship through the void, and into her universe. The Universe. The Doctor's universe...

The Void ship landed somewhere remote. It looked like England, but no-one could ever be sure. She heard an odd wheezing noise, and the TARDIS appeared behind her. A furious 10th Doctor stepped out. Seeing Rose, who was smiling innocently, though in the situation it looked rather thick, the Doctor dashed over to her, and punched her straight in the face. She looked at him in a rather hurt way, before her eyes crossed and she fell backwards. The Doctor rushed forwards to the Void ship and looked inside. He saw K9 upside down and powered down, and Romana stretched out on the floor. Rose was just coming round when the Doctor turned on her and began to kick her.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ROMANA, BITCH?!" he said, still kicking her. Rose was too shocked to feel pain.

"Why are you kicking me? What have I done? And why did you punch me?"

"STOP WHINING! YOU BROKE THROUGH THE VOID THAT I REPAIRED!! I SAID THERE IS NO WAY BACK, AND YOU WENT AND DID THAT! AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO ROMANA??" Rose started to cry.

"I...thought...you...loved...me, Doctor! I thought you would do anything for me!" she said through her sobs.

"Maybe I did! But that was then. This is unforgivable. Goodbye." The Doctor turned and walked into his TARDIS, while muttering about how he would have to clear this mess up. He poked his head back out.

"And I thought Harry was an imbecile. I probably love Sil more than you right now." The TARDIS wheezed again, and was gone. Romana came round, and climbed out of the void ship, to find Rose lying on the floor, crying like a baby, with lots of pretty bruises on her ugly face.

"I see you got what you deserved then."

"How...could...the...Doctor...do...that...to...me?" she said, hardly able to talk because of her sobs. There was another wheezing, and the TARDIS appeared again, but this time out stepped the Ninth. He looked down at Rose lying on the floor.

"Rose? How did you get here? I only left you for a minute!"

"Doctor?" Rose said, smiling through her tears. "It's you! It's you you!"

"Ah, so you're still with me as I regenerate. What's wrong?" Before she could answer, he spotted Romana.

"ROMANA!! But you were in E-Space! HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" However, Rose answered his previous question.

"You were kicking me, and you punched me, only because I got back to you through the void!" The Doctor looked aghast, and walked over to them.

"YOU BROKE THROUGH FROM THE VOID!! NO WONDER HE PUNCHED YOU!! I was totally right." He turned to go, but as an afterthought, he turned to Romana.

"What part did you play in this?" he asked accusingly. Romana looked rather hurt.

"She knocked me out! I would have stopped her, believe me!" she said, still looking upset.

"I'm sorry, Romana, just checking, I didn't really think you would. Oh well, better go, I was supposed to be in Bassas Da India." He gave Romana a seemingly passionate kiss, before disappearing into his TARDIS. Having been rejected by two Doctors, Rose was now positively unhappy, even more so as her new enemy had not only not been scorned by them, but one had even snogged her! The thought of this caused her to start to bawl.

"HE LEFT ME AGAIN!" she wailed, tearing the hat from her head where it had miraculously managed to stay on through all of this and putting it back on. Romana blinked once more at the dematerialising TARDIS in growing dismay.

"He left me too!" she muttered. Rose laughed like a maniacal idiot, what brains she had had obviously addled by her current emotional state.

"But don't despair, Romana," Romana said to herself quietly, "he's sure to come back sooner or later, of course. And hopefully in the form I knew him in."

"Yes, I hope he does come back for you AND TAKE YOU AWAY AND LEAVE YOU SOMEWHERE WITH NO OXYGEN!" shrilled Rose. "And then he'll come back for me, because I am obviously the prettier and more intelligent of us two. And he loves me!"

"No he doesn't!" said Romana. "Whatever would give you that idea?"

Rose shrugged.

"I suppose it's just… well, call it intuition. Feminine intuition. I just know he loves me too!"

K9 had somehow managed to right himself and was now trundling round in very small circles.

"Think what you want, my dear- oh, what's your name?"

"Rose Tyler," said Rose.

"Oh."

"Oh yes."

"Oh."

"Oh no!" said K9, for some reason. He shot Rose, who fell to the floor unfortunately not quite dead. Romana smiled and patted him on the head.

"Come on, K9, I think it's time we ought to be leaving this horrible place."

"Affirmative, Mistress!"

The blonde Time Lady and her robot dog walked slowly towards the nearest door to the ship, thanking their lucky stars (what an odd phrase, they thought) that they had been able to make their escape so easily and that they could pilot the ship to wherever they needed to go.

Romana opened the door…

…and came face to face with five Daleks.

"It's sure lucky we got out of that Genesis Ark!" said one.

"Indeed it is! Oooh look, HUMANS! EXTERMINAAAATE!" Romana shut the door and ran away, which was rather lucky as the ship self-destructed. Fortunately, Rose was caught in the blast, and her hair was on fire. This turned her hair to black ash, so she was no longer an idiotic blonde Rose, but an idiotic bald Rose. There was a wheezing noise, and yet another TARDIS appeared. A Doctor, who neither Rose nor Romana recognised. He saw Rose, screamed, and ran into the TARDIS. Rose dashed towards the open door of the TARDIS, the Doctor closed the door and she ran into it. She was knocked senseless. The Eighth poked his head out.

"Hello, Romana!" He then disappeared with the TARDIS.

"Oh," said Romana, recognising him at last.

Suddenly, there was the sound of yet another TARDIS landing. Then, a TARDIS landed. Out popped a shortish man with a question mark for an umbrella handle, and more question marks inexplicably on his jumper.

"ROMANA! ROSE!" he yelled.

"How did you know my name?"

"It's on your hat." Rose took off her hat in confusion, and looked at it. On the inside in minute lettering it said 'Rose Manufacturing LTD'. She turned to the Seventh, but he was disappearing into his TARDIS. However Romana stuck out a hand and grabbed his hat.

"What are you doing?" he said, turning round. He saw Romana and his eyes lit up.

"Romana! Hello!" He then went into his TARDIS, which wheezed and disappeared.

Romana's nerveless fingers released their hold on the Seventh Doctor's hat, which fell to the floor with a small thud.

"What IS that hat made of, lead?" she shouted in frustration. "And why... what... oh, Doctors!"

She suddenly felt very alone in the universe, so small, so insignificant that the Doctor would actually leave her behind rather than wait for her. And he had left her with... this horrible thing. She really couldn't understand what had gone wrong with the regeneration that had picked Rose Tyler up. Yes, Rose was the root of everything that had happened today - in typical Rose fashion, she supposed. Why had the Doctor left her behind after kissing her? How could he? HOW COULD HE?

Rose, as tactless as usual, tried to talk to her and got a punch in the mouth for her troubles. She fell to the ground screaming her hideous head off. Romana smoothed her hat, already feeling a little better for having done that.

"Come on, K9!"

Silence.

"K9?"

Silence again.

"Oh no."

She turned to see that a TARDIS had landed on K9. Out of the TARDIS stepped a Doctor, and from behind the TARDIS trundled a very unsquashed K9.

"Ah yes, perfect place for a spot of cricket!" The Doctor looked down at K9.

"K9? How did you get here? Where's Leela?" He then looked at Rose lying on the floor in disgust.

"I bet Adric looked better than that after he got blown up." He then sat down rather heavily and tears appeared on his boyish face. Romana looked horrified.

"Adric got blown up? How? Where?" Romana looked down at a clearly upset Doctor, who looked up at her.

"After the Cybermen destroyed the dinosaurs. Oh Adric..." He looked up at Romana suddenly. "Romana, do you by any chance no where Leela is? She's forgotten K9!" Romana looked down at the Doctor, he was clearly distressed.

"It's my K9," she said quietly. All this time they were ignoring Rose. She crawled over to the Doctor, and belched in his face. The Doctor's celery turned purple, and he smacked Rose with a cricket bat, ran into his TARDIS and slammed the doors, his face an unhealthy colour.

"Doctor, please! Please help me!" Romana cried. The TARDIS doors opened a crack and the Fifth Doctor's worried face looked out.

"I'm afraid I can't, Romana. You see this celery here?"

He indicated the wilting celery pinned to his lapel.

"Yes, Doctor."

"Well, that--" -he coughed quietly- "that means that there is a poison at work here that our bodies are not equipped to deal with."

He coughed again. The celery dropped to the floor and shrivelled away into nothing.

"Then take me away from this place, Doctor!' Romana said in panic. She could feel it now; the deadly venom creeping through her veins. Her heartbeat slowed then started to beat at an alarming speed of 40 beats per minute.

"Romana... I can't."

"Whyever not, Doctor?"

"I need rest and recuperation after this brief exposure, and even then I might have to regenerate."

"But that's perfectly fine, Doctor!" said Romana. "I don't mind seeing another of your regenerations, honestly!"

The Doctor's voice had dropped to a barely audible whisper by now. It took a few seconds for Romana to actually hear what he was saying properly, and even then she wasn't sure she'd understood.

"It could be infectious, Romana."

The poison throbbed in Romana's head, a pressure so strong that she began to cry silently. The Fifth Doctor's distressed, pale face disappeared for a moment inside the TARDIS before the whole of him reappeared, carrying a cricket bat.

"If you do survive, Romana... I'll be back for you, don't you worry."

With that he presented Romana with the bat, gave her a quick hug, then ran off towards the TARDIS. The Time Lady, having resigned herself to death, stopped crying -what an undignified way to die, crying!- and watched her Doctor as he reached the doors, stumbling through them as if he couldn't hold himself up properly any more.

The TARDIS began to dematerialise.

Romana, with shaking fingers, dropped the cricket bat on Rose Tyler's head. This was it. This was the end.

Then all the pain stopped, and merciful blackness unfolded itself into infinity.


	2. Romana Cheers Up

Romana went back in her mind.

Still senseless, she was remembering her time with the Doctor. She was battling Daleks, wandering through E-Space and talking to her friend K9. She found herself thinking of the Doctor's face. Oh how she missed him. His blue eyes, twinkling mischievously. His long scarf, wrapped around his neck. His beautiful brown curly hair.

"Oh, Doctor, I miss you so much. I never did tell you how much I loved you..."

"Well you just did Romana." Romana sat up, bumping her head into the Doctor's.

"Ouch! Romana! I thought you loved me!"

"What? Oh? But I was knocked out, senseless!"

"You were. But then you opened your eyes and started talking to yourself." Romana attempted to sit up again, but ended up bashing their heads together again.

"Ouch! Stop that, please!" The Fourth helped Romana up. "Well must dash! People to see, things to do!" He turned and entered his TARDIS. Romana let out a cry of disappointment, and charged in. However the Doctor was still in the doorway. For the third time, they bashed heads.

"Ouch! Only joking!" The Doctor flashed a wide grin, which no-one or no-thing could be angry with. Romana grabbed him in a hug.

"Don't do that to me EVER again!" She grabbed his head and hugged it like she would never let go.

"I'm suffoca—mmph."

"Oops. Sorry."

Romana let go.

The Fourth Doctor smiled thankfully.

"So, Romana, how come you're back here?"

"One of your later companions – Rose Tyler, her name was – knocked me unconscious with K9, reopened the void between a parallel universe and this one and flew through it in a Dalek ship to find one of your regenerations."

"Oh."

The Doctor looked slightly confused at this, but said nothing.

"And then she released poison gas, and—oh no, Doctor!" Romana said in panic. "Your next regeneration said it might be infectious!"

"You seem to be seeing a lot of me these days," said the Doctor, not looking obviously scared but moving ever so slightly away from the Time Lady. "Infectious, you say?"

"Your celery turned purple and wilted!" cried Romana.

"My… celery?"

"Your celery!"

"I wasn't aware I had any celery," said the Doctor, checking his pockets in interest. Romana sighed, eyes downcast.

"The problem is, Doctor, that I could be spreading this substance unwittingly. You could be… I don't want you to die!"

"Well I am mistaken. Obviously, gas cannot be infectious! AND you haven't gone a funny colour, you are not coughing and you don't look ill at all!"

"Oh. Then your next regeneration must be a bit of an idiot."

"Yes. And so are you for believing him!" A large wind whipped up, and the Doctor's scarf was blown into Romana's face, knocking her over. Her head cracked against K9 and she was knocked senseless AGAIN. Rose woke up and crawled over. She began to try and steal Romana's hair to replace her own. The Doctor was not all too pleased, and he kicked her in her shiny bald head. She got up and charged at the Doctor, stealing his hat. She then dashed off. The Doctor tied his scarf in a running noose, and neatly lassoed his hat back. Unfortunately, the noose also caught Rose's nose. She was pulled backwards and landed with a thump. The Doctor revived Romana.

"Uh, wot 'appened?" she asked him.

"Err, Rose hit you with this cricket bat!"

"Oh did she now?" Romana took the bat, and started smashing Rose over the head with it. Rose tried to escape, but she ran into a tree. This had the fortunate effect of breaking Rose's nose. Rose then spontaneously combusted, but unfortunately fell into a lake, which had the effect of extinguishing the flames. Out of the lake appeared a Rutan.

The Rutan looked rather annoyed about being rudely awoken by a burning Rose (even though it didn't have a face on which to express this emotion), so it electrocuted the perpetrator of this horrible crime, the ultimate Sil.

The ultimate Sil screamed in pain and self-destructed. The Rutan realised the terrible mistake it had made and electrocuted Rose instead.

The Doctor and Romana cheered as Rose fell to the floor, wreathed in chains of glowing electricity.

Then she got up again, and rain began to fall as if it were weeping for the fates of all those who would see the monstrosity they called… Rose Tyler.

"Oh, goodness!" cried Romana, clinging on to the Fourth Doctor for dear life. Yet another TARDIS appeared.

"Oh not again, Doctor! Why do you keep coming?" she said to the Fourth accusingly.

"Well it's not my fault! It's my fault! Oh dear." Romana gazed into his deep blue eyes as he ran a hand through his brown curls in frustration.

"Ah hello me," the Third said as he stepped out of his Police Box shaped TARDIS. His frilly white shirt and his cape may have looked odd, but not on the Doctor. Well this one anyway. The seventh would have looked stupid in them.

"Come on Sarah Jane," the Doctor said, and Sarah stepped out of the TARDIS.

"Hello Sarah," the Doctor said brightly to her.

"Who are you?" she asked him, surprised this handsome young man knew her name.

"I am the Doctor, Sarah Jane," the Third said.

"Indeed I am, Sarah," the Fourth said.

"I'm confused," said Sarah.

"I'm not," said Romana. She turned to Sarah. "Well you see, the Doc--"

"Time to press on, lots to do!" said the Third. Unfortunately, Rose was blocking his path. She made a lunge for Sarah, recognising her, though she was younger here. Sarah neatly dodged and kicked Rose to the floor. The Fourth sighed.

"Can I help me throw this thing in the lake?"

"You most certainly may not throw Sarah in the lake!" said the Third indignantly.

"I think we've got a bit of a communication problem, me," said the Fourth Doctor. "I was not referring to Sarah Jane Smith, I was referring to this horrible thing here." He pointed vaguely in the direction Rose had previously been in.

"I don't see any horrible thing there," said the Third, "just a pretty blonde girl. Do I know her?"

"I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT KNOW THAT THING! How in the name of Rassilon is it pretty, and are you entirely sure it is a girl?"

The Fourth Doctor looked disgustedly at where Rose had been.

Romana looked back sadly at him.

"Romana!? Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry; it seems I've made a terrible mistake! I wasn't referring to you, I was referring to that thing that nearly killed you earlier!"

The poor Fourth had gone as red as a jelly baby, and he was stumbling over his words quite badly. Romana, feeling a bit guilty, gave him a large comforting hug, whereupon the Doctor went even more red.

"You know, Romana, where IS the thing?" he said quickly, extricating himself from her arms; that could wait until later, he thought happily. There was no way he was going to give Romana up again, not ever.

"I don't know. It must have gone while you were meeting yourself, Doctor," Romana said in contemplation.

"But that was only a few seconds ago!" said the Third Doctor, alarmed. "Where can it have gone in such a short time?"

"It can't have gone far, wherever it is," said the Fourth Doctor calmly. "One thing to look out for, though; it releases poison gas. Romana was the first to know of this, and she's still recovering."

Romana was about to contradict this pronouncement when she realised a much more useful plan of action.

"Now that you mention it, I do feel a little worse for wear. I'm sure I'll be fine soon, though," she said loudly, inwardly grinning. "Shall we go?"

Before the Doctors had time to say otherwise, Romana strode forward, faltered in her bold steps, and with a small groan collapsed gracefully backwards so that the Fourth Doctor had to catch her.

"Oh, Romana," sighed the Doctor. "What are we going to do?"

Romana had plenty of ideas, but she wasn't entirely sure they were quite what the Doctor had had in mind with that question. She opened her eyes and gazed into his blue eyes. Then she realised she'd done that just a bit too much. She smiled up at him in a seemingly dazed way, noting with the pleasure the concern in his eyes.

"Ouch!" The Doctor had strained a muscle while trying to support her. He let go of her and she fell the last few inches backwards to the floor. The hurt in her eyes-- there she goes again. Sarah walked over and helped Romana up, while the Fourth nursed his injured tricep. Rose wandered back into view, with her blonde hair blowing out behind her.

"What? How? Where did you get that hair?" the Fourth asked, obviously in some shock. Rose spotted them, and backed off fearfully. She dashed off at unrivaled speed. The Third beckoned to Romana.

"Allow me to walk with the pretty young girl this time, me," the Third said to him. Sarah looked away, tears brimming in her dark eyes at the Doctor's betrayal. The Fourth took her hand to cheer her up, but Romana saw this, upset by the Doctors betrayal. This became a bit of a problem, as they were a love square, with three people. This both Sarah and Romana realised at the same time, and realising that the Doctor's were both the Doctor, so they got very confused and forgot about being upset. In fact they forgot what they were doing completely. The sight of Rose dashing into the distance reminded them. The Third stopped.

"We'll never catch her now. We'll wait, she'll come back."

"Oh now that's comforting!" said Sarah sarcastically. The Fourth put a comforting arm around her, and Romana hid her face in the Third's cloak. They began to meander slowly back to their TARDISes. They sat in a quiet secluded glade, and the Fourth vanished into the TARDIS and brought out a picnic hamper, which he always seemed to have for particularly special occasions, and what could be more special than spending time with yourself and two beautiful women, he thought. However, peaceful it may have been to start with, but noises could be heard a short distance away. Sarah was the first to spot Rose skulking in the trees. However, she was trailing two people, who seemed unaware of their presence, but as they came closer it was apparent they were very alert.

"What do ye think it is?" said a thick Scottish accent.

"I don't know Jamie, but when I say "run", we run, okay?" Rose was now coming closer to them every seconds.

"Run!"

They ran through the trees, and ran into the glade, bumping into the Doctor. The Doctor got up, and helped the Doctor up. Romana sighed.

"Too many Doctors, already!" Rose hid behind a tree, and eyed Jamie's kilt interestedly. She was just about to make a move to steal it when she heard another TARDIS arrive and dashed off.

"Romana? Romana are you there?" Romana started, surprised.

"You've come back, Doctor!" she said to the Second, Third and Fourth.

"Which me?" they chorused.

"The Fifth!" With that introduction he strolled into view. He spotted his cricket bat lying on the floor and picked it up and put it in his pocket.

"Romana! You survived I see!" the Doctor said jovially.

"No thanks to you, Doctor," said Romana, annoyed. "Thankfully, I can rely on your previous incarnation more than I can you."

The Fifth Doctor looked rather hurt at this, but Romana was properly angry by now.

"Any self-respecting Time Lord would know that poison gas can't possibly be infectious! What did you do when you regenerated, hit yourself with that ridiculous cricket bat of yours? You certainly seem to have killed a lot of brain cells since then."

"And who took my words at face value, Romana? Hmm? Answer me that!" shouted the Fifth Doctor, going very red in the face. Romana looked down at the floor, cowed. The Fourth Doctor put a reassuring arm around her, which immediately cheered her most of the way up. As she snuggled happily into his thick coat, the Fourth looked over her head at Sarah Jane. It was only because Sarah had been behaving so... oddly... that he'd responded, really; nothing more than that. And now she wasn't even looking at him, she'd found a new idol. How fickle, he thought, nothing like Romana. Yet Sarah Jane Smith would still always be one of the companions dearest to the Time Lord's heart.

The Fifth Doctor didn't really like having a Sarah Jane attached permanently to his leg, so he pried her off with his cricket bat. Sarah decided to cling to this instead. The Fifth pulled an odd face and tried to remove the cricket bat from Sarah's grasp; but all to no avail, she was stuck to it like superglue. The Third laughed hysterically, because there was nothing better for him to do, and swirled his cape dramatically.

"Doctor, my kilt!" screamed the thick Scottish accent, and then Jamie.

All heads turned towards the source of the disturbance.

All heads turned away from the source of the disturbance, images of kiltless Jamie burned forever into their visual cortexes. Rose ran growling past their general line of sight with a rather odd new hat.

Sarah fell off the Fifth's cricket bat in shock, which gave him the opportunity to quickly take it away from her. Then he realised a better course of action and threw it at the kilt-wearing, still party-hatted Rose Tyler. However, she was no longer party hatted as the Fifth's bat had knocked it clean off. The Fifth delved into his pocket and picked up a cricket ball. It was unfortunately his favourite, but sacrifices had to be made. With this thought, he bowled her a glancing blow to the leg. Sarah tutted.

"You fool, Doctor, this isn't cricket, an LBW is not going to get her out!"

"Oh. I'm not doing much right today," he said, downcast. Rose continued to run, and in her path appeared a TARDIS. The doors opened, and her momentum was so great she continued forwards and shot inside.

"Hm, what's that? Quick, close the whore harrumph door!"

"But what is it, Grandfather?"

"I don't know, Susan! Take that, and that!"

"Grandfather, whacking her with your stick isn't going to work!"

"Hm, good point!" All of a sudden there was a loud bang, and Rose shot out of the TARDIS. Susan sighed.

"I said 'This Is Fun' not 'Use a Gun' Grandfather!"

"Hm, well it solved the problem!" A man in black clothes with white hair tottered out of the TARDIS, followed by his granddaughter, a young girl with brown hair. He looked down at Rose and the bullet wound in her arm.

"Where were you aiming for, Grandfather?"

"Her nose, if you hadn't nudged me I would have got it too!" Upon seeing himself, he started towards him, but suddenly got very wet.

"Grandfather, that's a lake." Susan sounded close to despair.

"Hello Susan!" an annoyingly high amount of Doctors called.

"Come on Jamie, time you got a new kilt I think. You must be very cold." With that they wandered off to their TARDIS and were gone in an instant.

The white-haired Time Lord walked out of the lake and began to sneeze. He put the safety catch for his gun back on and motioned for Susan to follow suit, which she couldn't as she didn't have a gun. His elderly frame was shaking as if it were seated on a washing machine, so Susan drew a thick tartan blanket from behind her back which she always kept for such occasions and wrapped it around the First Doctor - for that is who it was, for those of you who are complete idiots.

The Fourth Doctor and Romana had gotten bored and had wandered off into the trees, the Fifth Doctor was chasing after his errant cricket ball, Sarah Jane was chasing after the Fifth Doctor and the Third Doctor was chasing after Sarah Jane who was chasing after the Fifth Doctor who was chasing after his errant cricket ball which was... oh, Rutan.

Rose Tyler picked up the ball, squinted at it short-sightedly, held it up to the light and painfully swallowed it whole. The Fifth Doctor let out a shriek like a demented Sontaran and launched himself at the offending Rose. Unfortunately, he misjudged his launch and flew off into the wild blue yonder. Rose looked up as his shadow passed over her horrible self, but thought no more of it.

"Grandfather, look!" cried Susan in astonishment. "You're flying!"

"What a--harrumph, stupid little girl you are," said the First Doctor. "I'm not flying at all, hm!"

"Oh," muttered Susan, annoyed at being proven wrong. "Well, you will be."

With that, she launched him. He flew through the sky and hit Rose, who then fell over backwards with a whoop. Sarah stopped chasing the Fifth, wondering why she had bothered in the first place, he obviously didn't have her hairband, she must have left it in the TARDIS. The Fifth fell to the floor, and unfortunately was landed upon by the First. The whole scene descended into chaos. Sarah, not looking where she was going crashed into the Third, he fell over backwards and she landed on him, the First was sitting dazed upon the Fifth, the Fourth and Romana were nowhere to seen, which is probably for the best, and Rose was surveying Susan with interest. Susan, unnerved, tried to run, but found her feet stuck. Rose took a deep breath in and unleashed her secret weapon once more, which wasn't very secret but anyway.

The hellish fumes hit Susan. At close range, she had now been exposed to more poison than all of the previous victims that day. With a small yelp she fell backwards and landed with a splash in the very inconveniently placed lake, spattering them all with muddy water. Everything went suddenly silent, and the Doctors gathered, shocked and reverent and damp, around the edge of the pool.

Susan had already lost consciousness due to the gas, and so they were spared the sight of shocked eyes and a desperately screaming mouth; instead, her pale face was calm, her eyelids completely closed and small bubbles playing around her brown hair where it waved out softly around her head.

The Fourth Doctor and Romana came running from the thicket, the Fourth's scarf clutched tightly in his companion's hand and flowing out behind the two. They came to an abrupt halt at the water's edge and stared down at the sinking form of Susan in silent horror.

Susan sank into the murky depths of the lake like a fall from grace, and as the water took her the Doctors all let out the same painful cry as each other.

She was gone.

"NO!" screamed the Fifth Doctor.

"WE MUST SAVE HER!" screamed the Fourth Doctor.

"GRANDDAUGHTER!" the First Doctor wept in absolute depression.

The Third Doctor got up.

"Well, if no-one else is going to try..."

With that he immediately jumped into the lake, cape flowing out in a heroic manner and also quite a waterlogged one.

The remaining Doctors looked at each other shamefacedly.

"I wish I'd thought of that," said the Fifth Doctor. The other Doctors nodded in agreement. Then, the Third was up with a dripping Susan clutched in his arm. Then Romana had a thought.

"Hang on, if the Thing let out more poisonous gas, then should we really be standing here?" The Fifth tried to put her right.

"Ah yes, Romana, but my celery hasn't turned purple, has it?" He looked at her in triumph.

"You're not wearing any celery." He looked at her in shocked amazement, before collapsing. The other Time Lords began to fall into faints.

"Sarah, help...me!" the Third cried to a totally unaffected Sarah. She jumped into action, pulling the Time Lords one by one back to the glade. She was just about to rescue Rose, but thought better of it and pushed her into the lake. Rose toppled in but floated to the surface. Sarah ran back to the Doctors, Susan and Romana. They were all coming round, apart from Susan who was still in a deep faint from having received an abnormally high amount of poison.

"I'm sure I picked up some cure for this some time," said the Fourth to the Fifth,

"I think I did have some, but I'm pretty sure I used it," the Fifth replied.

"Hm, you must have used it now," the First said.

"Yes," the Third said. They all looked at him. "Well I was feeling left out!" The Fourth disappeared into the TARDIS, and beckoned for Romana to follow him to help with the search.

"Come on, everyone in, we must save Susan! On second thoughts, someone stand watch. Sarah, you were unaffected, you stand watch over Susan, there's a good girl!" Sarah went and stood over Susan's inert body, while the others piled into the TARDIS to look for the antidote. With so many people looking it took a surprisingly long time. When they eventually found them (it was the Third by the way) they dashed outside to see Sarah lying prone with a deep headwound, and Susan was nowhere to be found. The Doctors, with the exception of the First, broke down in tears at the sight of Sarah's wounded body. The First took a pile of bandages that he had been wearing as a rather fetching hat down and bandaged up her head rather inexpertly, but well enough. She began to stir.

"Hello Sarah Jane, nice to see you awake," the Third said, kneeling down and looking into her face. "You need to stir faster or that mixture will curdle!" Sarah stirred faster. While the Third tended to Sarah, the others went off to search for Susan, and the devilish demon that had taken her. Oh, and Rose Tyler of course.

Suddenly, there was the sound of the TARDIS landing. The third looked up in surprise. Out stepped the Seventh.

"Have you seen my hat? I feel quite bald without it."

The third looked up and was immediately bald over by the sight of the Seventh's bald spot. The third grabbed a passing object and shoved it at the Seventh to use as a hat. With a cry of alarm, they both realised that it was Rose. With amazing presence of mind the Seventh used his umbrella as a club, and ate it.

"Mmm, I do like Club biscuits. Luckily I have a spare umbrella." He then used this to strangle Rose.

"GWAARK!" went the Rose- thing.

"Oh, I do apologise, Rose," said the seventh. "Quickly, I'll get you to safety." Pausing only to take Rose off his bald spot, he ran towards the foot of a rainbow, and Rose followed.

When they got there, the cupboard was bare, and so the poor dog had none.

"don't worry, Rose, I'll get you some somewhere." With that, the TARDIS landed and the sixth doctor stepped out.

"Ah- har! My planet has succeeded!" crowed the seventh, found his hat where it had been the whole time, behind his ear.

Rose took in the sixth doctor's manly chest, his handsome face, his tasteful trousers, his half- naked companion, Mel, his green coat, his pink coat, his yellow coat, his red coat, his purple coat, his-

"AAAAAAAARGH! GIBBER! GIBBER! THHHH! WEEEEER!"

"Oh no! My coat has appeared to have sent her into an epileptic fit. Oh, well. She doesn't look terribly pleasant anyway. Come on, Mel. I'll find you some clothes." With that they wandered off and fell in the lake. The eleventh arrived with Roberta in tow and threw some sand into the lake while screaming "SILICON DIOXDE!!" The lake exploded in a flash of Rutans. The Sixth and Mel appeared wearing Rutans for hats. They decided this was clothes enough and disappeared into the TARDIS but a tree fell on it.

Meanwhile, the other Doctors and Romana were chasing after Susan as she rolled down a hill. The first tripped over his stick and began to roll also. The fifth tripped over a Dalek and began to roll also. The fourth tripped over his scarf and rolled also. Romana had her hand stuck in his flies without him noticing as she rolled also. Susan eventually hit a rock with a juicy thud and stood up.

"Wee that was fun!" Suddenly the First shot her in the arm.

"GRANDFATHER!" Susan started to run up the hill to confront the First but the Fifth bowled her over.

"HOWZAT!" shouted the Fifth, before rolling into the same rock that Susan had rolled into. Romana had had a rather uncomfortable ride, and stood up just long enough to be knocked down by the First. The Fourth was in a spot of bother, being dragged all over the place by his unmentionable by Romana. However, they forgot their troubles and ran to hug a very much cured Susan. Susan fell over and they rolled the rest of the way down the hill. They all ran up, back to the Third to see how Sarah was faring.

The Third was lying on the floor while Rose sat on his head, and eating Sarah's cake mixture. She got up and dashed off when she saw the arrival of the others, and dropped the mixture on Sarah. Sarah stirred. The Third was near suffocated by having a Rose sit on his head, and went to the lake to get washed of Rose's scent, but the lake had been blown up by the megalomaniacal eleventh.

"Oh."

The Third Doctor walked back to the others rather ashamedly. The others sniffed the air tentatively and moved ever so slightly away from him, except for the Eleventh Doctor who was trying to get a lot of wet sand out of his pockets.

Sarah, having had enough of stirring and stirring and not getting anywhere, brushed the cake mixture from herself self-consciously and stood up. The Third's eyes lit up and he grinned. Sarah wouldn't back away from him, even if he did smell of Roses! She was, after all, his companion first and foremost!

Sarah ran off screaming.

"Oh," said the Third Doctor again. The Eleventh Doctor had succeeded in near enough clearing his pockets, and then threw the sand into the lake before noticing that there wasn't a lake anywhere.

The non-existent lake exploded, tearing yet another rift in the space-time continuum and the universe as we know it and sending everyone in the vicinity flying. The Seventh Doctor was propelled back from the foot of the rainbow and crashed painfully into a tree trunk. Luckily, no-one's bones were broken.

Rose picked herself up from the rotten log she had landed on and stood on it, her weight causing it to crack like a rotten log, which it was fortunate to be. She looked down, startled, as the log split down the middle completely and fell apart into two halves on the marshy, muddy ground.

Underneath was the colour of freedom; a bright, timeless azure that seemed to signal to Rose the prospect of travel and fun and love and all the things she had loved about her Tenth Doctor.

The door to the TARDIS opened upwards and the Sixth Doctor's epilepsy-inducing arm waved around a few times feebly. Rose grabbed it and pulled, making sure to avert her eyes from his coat. The Doctor came out of his fallen, crushed TARDIS with a noise akin to the popping of a cork. Peri followed soon after, and Rose threw the two behind her absent-mindedly as she stared lovingly at the TARDIS. Struggling, she managed to right the heavy ship (somehow) and it rocked slightly on its base before staying upright.

Rose walked inside the TARDIS and slammed the doors. Unfortunately the doors fell right off, and she fell over backwards. She saw Mel sitting in the corner for some extremely odd reason, screamed and ran off. She dived in the lake to hide, but it was non existant. Luckily, the Eleventh decided to chuck the last of his sand in, causing the lake area to explode one more. Rose was thrown into the air like a polaris. The Seventh ran over and began to fix the Sixth's TARDIS. The Third fell in a cowpat, extinguishing the scent of Rose. Sarah sensed this and ran back to him. The others moved ever so slightly towards him. The First decided to have a little adventure.

"Harummph, come on Granddaughter, lets go and find some Cybermen." With that, they wandered into their TARDIS and were gone. The others decided to celebrate, and now that the old grump was out of the way they could have a game of cricket.

"Oh cricket, we need a wicket. Maybe there's one in the thicket?" the Fifth said.

"Aha, I know where we can get a wicket!" the Fourth said enthusiastically. He dashed into the thicket, collected Rose and buried her in the ground. The Third took the bat, the Fifth took the position of bowler and the Fourth was umpire. Romana took the wicket keeper position and Sarah fielded. The Fifth bowled, and the Third smashed the ball high into the air. Everyone watched its path, high into the air, peaking at about 100 feet, then it fell, landing smack between Rose's eyes.

"HOWZAT?" the Fifth shouted in the Fourth's face. The Fourth poked his head, then raised his middle finger at Rose. The Fourth went in to bat. As the Fifth bowled he neatly dodged and the ball struck Rose between the ears.

"HOWZAT?" the Fifth shouted in the Third's face. The Third poked his eye, then raised his middle finger a Rose. Then the Fifth went in to bat. The Fourth bowled a rather easy one, and the Fifth smashed it high and straight into Sarah's hands, knocking her over.

"HOWZAT?!" everyone except the Third shouted in the Fifth's face. He poked them in the nostrils, and raised his middle finger up Rose's nose. This caused her considerable pain. The Third meanwhile was peeking up a knocked over Sarah's skirt, and when she caught him he pretended to be picking up the ball. He threw it back, and hit Rose between the eyebrows. Romana laughed at the Thirds antics.

"You seem to have a found a rather attractive view, Doctor," she said to the Doctors still remaining.

"Oh yes indeed," the Fourth said. Romana looked down to see the Doctor flat on his back by her feet. She tried to stamp on his head, but though better of it. She over balanced and sat down rather hard.

"LOOK OUT!" the Fifth shouted, as Rose freed herself and charged towards the Third and Sarah...


	3. The Fifth Cries A Lot

…and missed them completely, running into the Fifth's conveniently placed TARDIS. A faint cackle of glee came from the inside of it, then the doors slammed once more and the ship began to dematerialise.

"MY TARDIS!" screamed the Fifth, running towards the disappearing ship in dismay. "IT'S TAKEN MY TARDIS!"

As one, the Doctors went as pale as a bleached worm.

"We've got to get after it," said the Fourth Doctor gravely from the ground. "We should be able to trace our old Type-40 quite easily, unless… quick!"

He got up hastily and ran into his own TARDIS with Romana following close behind, still clutching his scarf tightly in one hand as he opened the door.

Romana shouted back to the others, still standing motionless with shock.

"Follow us, everyone! We can find the TARDIS that thing took in no time if we all team up!"

With that, she disappeared into the TARDIS as it began to dematerialise.

The Third turned to the weeping Fifth and smiled.

"Resourceful girl, isn't she?"

The Fifth nodded and stopped crying, as it was beginning to get on his nerves.

"Are you coming or not?" shouted the Third Doctor, already halfway to his TARDIS. The Fifth nodded again and ran over. Then he jumped as his seventh incarnation's voice rang out.

"Can you come over here and hold this for me? I've nearly fixed my TARDIS."

The Fifth, inwardly resenting being told to do this and that by his other incarnations, nevertheless trotted helpfully over to where Mel and the Seventh and Sixth Doctors were standing. In an afterthought, he called over to the Third.

"Go on without me, me. I'll catch you up in a bit."

The Third immediately pulled Sarah Jane by the arm into his TARDIS, and the Fifth turned back to the Sixth and Seventh. The Seventh gave him a length of damaged wiring and turned to leave.

"As you've got to wait for one of us anyway, I think I may as well go and join the chase. I'd nearly finished fixing it, no thanks to me and Mel."

The Sixth Doctor fiddled with his bright coat and said nothing.

There was the sound of a TARDIS dematerialising.

"They'll have a head start now, and I don't want that!" said the Seventh Doctor, marching off to his own TARDIS. "We'll get your TARDIS back in no time, me!"

Yet another TARDIS dematerialised.

Silence.

The Fifth Doctor concentrated very hard on repairing the crushed wiring he had been given to stop himself from crying again. It was like losing his best friend – in fact, it _was_ losing his best friend. His TARDIS, taken by that horrible blonde thing. He wondered if the ship was weeping silently and alone, so many galaxies from him and home.

Something wet gathered on his eyelashes and he wiped it away angrily.

"There. Done."

The Sixth took the repaired wiring from him and flashed him a quick smile.

"Mel and I would be overjoyed to have you journey with us until we get the TARDIS back, wouldn't we Mel?"

Mel nodded grudgingly.

"I'm afraid we haven't been seeing much of other people for quite a while. It'd be somewhat of a refreshing novelty to actually speak to someone other than Mel, so you're welcome to come with us."

The Fifth looked blankly at his next incarnation, his eyes fixed on the retina-burning coat. The Sixth realised his precarious mental state and sighed.

"Oh, who am I fooling? Come on, me. We're going to go and find your TARDIS."

He pulled the Fifth into the newly repaired TARDIS by his sleeve and motioned to Mel to follow them. The doors of the TARDIS, for once, did not slam but simply closed.

As the Sixth Doctor's TARDIS disappeared from view, two shadowy figures emerged from the trees.

"Hey, where did I go?" said the Eleventh Doctor in confusion. Roberta Homes shrugged.

"Doctor."

"Yes?"

"Nothing, you just said 'Where'."

"Oh," said the Eleventh Doctor. He adjusted his scarves. "So much for trying to find the rainbow that the seventh me ran towards! It's completely gone!"

"I do _know, _Doctor," sighed Roberta. "I was there when we found that out, if you remember."

"But where are all of me?" said the Eleventh, annoyed. "They must have run away from me! I'll have to follow them."

With a rallying cry of, "QUICK-QUICK-QUICK! Into the TARDIS-shaped police box!" the two ran into the TARDIS-shaped police box, realised that they couldn't actually travel through time and space in it and went into the TARDIS instead.

The TARDIS dematerialised.

All was quiet and still in the light-dappled woods.

Through the space time vortex the renegade TARDIS was rolling through closely followed by many TARDISes in battle formation. Unfortunately Rose had mastered control of the TARDIS and knew exactly where she was going. The TARDIS materialised on a barren planet, before the other TARDISes surrounded it. The Doctors stepped out and watched, waiting for Rose to step out. Not a sound was made. Romana had found a gun and had it cocked and ready. The Third was menacingly brandishing a Neutron Polarity Reversing Machine, and the Fifth had his cricket bat. The door opened hesitantly. Rose emerged, Sarah screamed and all hell broke loose. She charged at the Fourth, tied his scarf as a bow in the Sixth's hair, wrenched the bat out of the Fifth's hands and began to batter the Seventh. The Third and Sarah ran up behind her up picked up the NPRM and smashed it on her head, but as it was nonexistant nothing happened. Rose turned and swung the bat with considerable strength born from the light of battle. It smashed into the Thirds head, he fell unconcious and fell down. Sarah ducked in behind the bat and began to throttle Rose, but Rose pulled herself away. She kicked Sarah in the stomach, and she fell to the ground. The Fifth had his second favourite cricket ball, and threw it at her accurately, but the Beast's strength was now so great she hardly felt it. She turned on the Fifth and swung the bat again, in a rather awful place, reducing the Doctor's prospects slightly. Romana sighted the gun, and fired. Rose ducked, the laser beam flew past her and smashed into the head of the Fourth. Romana screamed and ran to his side. Rose took the opportunity to run up to Romana and send her flying. Her head cracked into the side of a TARDIS and she went limp. Then as if nothing happened, all was silent. Rose had gone. Then the TARDIS of the eleventh arrived. He stepped out and saw the unconscious Doctors and decided discretion was the better part of valour, and went back inside. The TARDIS vanished.

The Doctors, Romana and Sarah lay still under the cold sky, and a light rain began to fall on their inert bodies.


	4. Rose Loses Her Mind And Her Clothes

Sorry no update for a while, I've been in Germany you see... Contains some violence and some undescribed nudity (much to the Fifth's horror) Oh and this version of the Eleventh belongs to me, but Roberta belongs to me. Different me's you see.

* * *

Mel poked her head round the door of the TARDIS.

"Doctor? Doctor, have you found it yet? I'm all changed now!"

She stepped out onto the dry ground, looking somewhat confused. She had changed clothes during the journey, and was now thankfully fully clothed.

"Doctor?"

The Sixth Doctor lay still, a long stripy scarf tied around his head. Rose obviously didn't know the meaning of 'bow', as he was slowly but surely suffocating. Already, he had passed out and it looked like he might not be breathing for much longer.

"DOCTOR!"

Mel ran over to him, shocked at the horrible brutality of the Sixth's attempted murder. Untying the scarf, she tentatively brushed the side of his pale face in an attempt to gauge the amount of life still left in him.

"Doctor, what should I do? Oh, dear!"

Looking down, the ground soaking up the rain as if it were Rose Tyler and her imagined affection by the Doctor. _What should I do, what should I--_

Memories; schooldays, teachers, lunch breaks spent reading a textbook. Lessons. First aid.

Resuscitation.

Mel bent down beside the Sixth's prone form and slowly, ever so slowly, lowered her head...

...and the Sixth woke up just before she could actually do anything. Seeing Mel's face so close to his, he screamed and fainted again.

Mel swore.

The Sixth Doctor came to quickly and got up, brushing his coat off to remove the dirt that marred its beautiful fit-inducing colours.

"What happened, Mel?"

"I don't know," said Mel, "but I came out of the TARDIS--"

"Nice outfit," the Doctor interrupted, "and it probably saved all our lives."

"--and the Thing was gone, you were unconscious with a scarf wrapped round your head and everything else was as it is now."

The Sixth Doctor looked around, surveying the bodies. The Fourth had a shocked expression on his face which belied the method that he had been dispatched by; Romana's neck looked rather unhealthily bent and the rest of her could have belonged to a ragdoll; the Seventh Doctor's body was so bruised it was almost unrecognisable; the Third was sporting a rather nasty head wound that was trickling blood down his nice white curls; Sarah just looked unconscious and the Fifth Doctor was standing up, looking rather pale and clutching somewhere I'd rather not describe, thank you very much.

"Aha!" said the Sixth triumphantly. "I appear to be in the best shape of everyone here!" He then promptly fainted from the lack of oxygen he had yet to restore to his body. Mel screamed and began to slap him. Again she bent over him to perform CPR and the Doctor woke up. The Doctor screamed and fainted again. The Fifth was severely winded, and the Fourth was beginning to stir. His face was covered in ugly blisters, and he was in an awful lot of pain. The Third was coming round too, blood crusting on his brow. He got up and dusted down his most prized possession, Sarah. She did not take kindly to this and brushed herself off irritably. However, the Fourth and Romana were still out cold, and the Seventh was standing there looking bemused. Everyone crowded round the senseless Gallifreyans. Mel leaned over and slapped Romana. She woke up, punched Mel in the eye and stole her purse.

"AHA!!" shouted Romana as she found a Dalek in her purse. She promptly destroyed the purse, and therefore the Dalek. The Fourth was so surprised by this he regained his senses.

"We had better get these two into the TARDIS and cure them, they look very worse for wear," the Fifth said, before picking up the Fourth and carrying him into the TARDIS. The other Doctors fought to pick up Romana but Sarah saved Romana by carrying her in instead. The Doctors then fought to pick up Romana's hat. Inside the TARDIS, the Fifth and Sarah had put Romana and Doctor into bed and let them sleep off their injuries. They then went outside to find the Doctors looking guiltily at Romana's ruined hat.

"Oh dear, what HAVE you done?" said Sarah. The Third changed the subject.

"QUICK! AFTER HER!!" The others looked at each other bemused, before running after him to capture Rose. As they crested a hill, they saw a scene that gladdened their hearts.

Rose was besieged by Daleks!

However, Rose was in fact eating them. They looked at the scene disappointedly. Rose then noticed them, and ran after them shouting something that sounded like "I LIKE TASTY SKARO." The Doctors and Mel took off like startled lambs, and hid behind rocks as the monster ran past. Still muffled "exterminate"s could be heard coming from her stomach. The Third began to panic.

"I never was much good at defeating Roses, the Fourth was always better, and he's back in the TARDIS asleep!" the Third shouted hystericallly. Rose heard and charged towards the Third, but he whipped off his cape, and with one sweep brought it round and netted Rose's head neatly. Rose screamed shrilly and ripped the cape to smithereens. The Third gaped at his wonderful cape, and started attacking Rose with the Fifth. Rose was knocked back, she hit a rock and caught fire. She rolled about on the floor and extinguished herself. The Seventh brained her with his umbrella, and the Fifth stood on her head. Rose removed her trousers and began to whip the Fifth, and they all ran off, frightened at a trouserless Rose.

"By gum, that's worse than Jamie kiltless!" shouted the Third as they ran back to the Fourth and Romana. They dashed into the TARDIS and slammed the doors. They went in to find the Doctor awake and looking at the ceiling, and a pregnant Romana lying on her side asleep.

"Oh dear, not one of the best ideas," said Sarah despairingly. How she knew Romana was pregnant is a mystery, one that only Rassilon can solve.

"Neither was ruining Romana's hat," said the Third, "but we did it anyway."

The Fifth was still whimpering and shaking from the horrible experience of being whipped with Rose's trousers and the horrible sight of actually having to see trouserless Rose up close. The Seventh patted him rather sheepishly on the head and tried to console him, but it was no good.

The Fourth suddenly leapt out of bed - literally - and jumped around a bit, his vitality clearly restored to him. He looked over at pregnant Romana and screamed shrilly.

"ARGH!"

"Was that your doing?" asked the Third.

"What, the scream? Of course it was; look, I can do it again, see, ARGH!"

"I mean... that!"

The Third went quite red. His mouth opened and closed as if trying to form the right words, but his brain couldn't quite find ones that weren't very explicit.

"What?"

"He means pregnant Romana," interjected the Seventh, twirling his umbrella in annoyance.

"Yes."

The Fifth began to froth at the mouth ever so slightly, but the other Doctors were focusing only on the Fourth. Their jaws gaped rather unbecomingly; their arms and legs went limp; they fell to the floor in astonishment.

"Get up," said the Fourth Doctor, "I was joking."

"Then whose doing was it?" said Sarah, confused. "Do you know, Romana?"

"No!" she said rather hotly.

"Hmm," said the Fourth. "It seems there's a mystery on our hands, which only Rassilon can solve!" The others turned and looked at him sceptically.

"Err I mean, TO THE WARDROBE!!" The others continued to look at him sceptically.

"Why?" ventured Sarah.

"Why, to get Rose some trousers!"

"Aaaah!" the others aahed. They went to the WARDROBE, collected a pair of jeans that would have fit a small elephant, and dashed outside. Rose was still in the same place, making sculptures out of Dalek bits and bobs. The Fifth sneaked up behind her, eyes tight shut, and whipped the trousers onto her. Rose saw her trousered self, screamed and began to whip the Fifth with...oh no... OH NO...OH NOOOOO!!!!!

The Fifth fainted in horror. The others looked very much like they would like to follow his example, but luckily they weren't as shaken and didn't really want to present a nice easy target for the topless Beast. Sarah quietly dragged the Fifth back to the Fourth's TARDIS and tucked him up safely in bed, where he couldn't be traumatised any more. Then she ran back to the battleground as quickly as she could.

"Aha! Sarah!" said the Fourth, trying to fend off an angry Rose and talk at the same time and doing rather well, considering the Rose didn't have a top on. "I wonder, could you just keep this thing distracted? I have a plan, you see, and.."

Sarah did as she was told and ran towards the Thing screaming. The Third sighed.

"He did say 'keep it distracted', not 'commit suicide'!"

The Fourth turned slightly towards the Third, who stepped back a pace when he saw the Fourth's wild, staring eyes.

"She knows what she's doing; don't doubt her," whispered the Fourth, and punched Rose. She fell over screaming, but even this was no match for Rose's by now superhuman powers.

Growling, the Thing advanced on the terrified Doctors; its feet kicking up great sprays of mud as it ran; its face snarling and monstrous; its hair blowing out in matted clumps behind it; its chest... actually, we'll not go there.

Seventy metres to go.

The horrid poison breath served as an advance welcome to the Beast's arrival, and the Doctors covered their mouths as one.

Fifty metres to go.

The Thing was accelerating. They could see its awful, bloody grin grinning on in its savage mask of a face.

"Hold steady..." the Seventh whispered, hands shaking as he removed a small metallic flask from his pocket and took a deep drink.

Twenty.

The grin was getting closer. Sharp white teeth were bared in a bloodstained smile.

"Sorry," said the Third, and stopped smiling.

Ten.

They could see the whites of its monstrous eyes.

Five.

Terror.

Absolute terror.

One.

"ROSE!"

The Doctors peeked out through the gaps between their fingers, still cringing from a blow that never would come.

"ROSE!"

It was Sarah! The brave companion was holding a small rubber dog and a hastily-scrawled sign reading "I AM TASTY, EAT ME" and dancing an impromptu jig whilst attempting not to slip in the mud and fall down with a thud.

The Doctors stared, unable to say anything for a long while. The Rose thing growled and ran off to pursue the plump and tasty-looking Sarah, who threw the sign in its face and managed to escape while it was clawing blindly at the paper.

"So, what's your plan?" asked the Seventh Doctor, looking sideways at the Fourth's distinctive profile.

"I can't remember."

Sarah slipped in the mud and fell down with a thud. Rose clawed the sign out of her bloodstreaked eyes and charged after a fallen Sarah, but she slipped in the mud and fell down with a thud. The Fifth emerged, saw the peril and led the Doctors in a straight charge. The pincer movement worked very effectively and Rose was crushed between the Doctors, whose eyes were tight shut. The Seventh made a fatal mistake. He found himself hugging Rose.

"AARARRGGGGHGHGHGHHHRHRHGHGH!!!!" the Seventh screamed as the Thing's skin burned his. His wonderful hat ignited and he fell to the floor. The Fourth acted bravely by putting his hat over Rose's head.

"VISION CIRCUITS IMPAIRED!! I CANNOT SEE!! I CANNOT SEE!! REINFORCEMENTS REQUIRED!! EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATEEEE!!!" Rose shouted. Then she took the hat off, and punched the Fourth between the eyes. He fell down wounded. The Fifth had a cricket stump and prepared to drive it into Rose, but the Fourth's falling body knocked him and he only managed to pierce her ear. The Third ran over and rescued Sarah, and the Fifth and Romana had to rescue the wounded Doctors. The Seventh was too injured to continue, so they thrust him in his TARDIS, hit Ace over the head, then set it into the middle of the Milky Way. The Seventh left the planet with a wheezing screech, then the TARDIS left too. The Fourth was perfectly fine. Rose recovered from something and charged Romana catching her in the midriff, causing her to miscarry. Rassilon arrived temporarily.

"Romana, I AM THE FATHER OF YOUR DEAD BABY!!" He then disappeared into the wild blue yonder.

The Fourth's ear twitched involuntarily. Romana fainted (not because the Fourth's ear had twitched, because of the terrible revelation she had just heard.)

"COME BACK!" screamed the Third. "LORD RASSILON, COME BACK! Would you like immortality, Rose?"

Rose didn't understand the Third at all and headbutted him in the midriff, which didn't cause him to miscarry but instead did cause him considerable pain. The Fourth rushed to the rescue, but got time scooped halfway through and found himself sitting down rather hard on a patch of grass in Gallifrey's Death Zone.

The Fifth Doctor stared at the spot where his previous incarnation had disappeared while the Third attempted to wrestle the Rose-thing to the ground using his cape to prevent actually touching it.

"He's gone, me, and there's nothing we can do about it right now, so just help me get rid of this horrible thing!"

The Fifth misunderstood and attempted to remove the Third's frilly shirt. This made the Third quite annoyed, and also quite disturbed.

Rassilon arrived temporarily.

"Sorry, I made a mistake just now. That should have read, "Rose, I AM THE FATHER OF YOUR BABY!!""

He then disappeared into the wild blue yonder once more.

"COME BACK!" screamed the Third. "LORD RASSILON, COME BACK!"

A faint voice that sounded a bit like the Master's said something that might have been "Stop repeating yourself, it isn't helping matters!".

"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP US GET OUR THIRD INCARNATION BACK FROM THE DEATH ZONE?" the Third continued. "ALSO, CAN YOU GET RID OF ROSE?"

"NO!" Rassilon shouted back.

"AND WHO'S ROMANA'S BABY'S FATHER?"

"I'VE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA!" said Rassilon.

"Why are you talking in capitals?" asked the Fifth.

"I THOUGHT I'D STOPPED TALKING IN CA--OH NO." muttered the Third. "RASSILON'S DONE SOMETHING TO ME."

He hit Rose to make her stop attempting to run off with his cape.

"Rassilon's done something to Rose too," the Fifth said.

"HE MUST HAVE BEEN DRUNK!" said the Third. "THERE'S NO WAY ANY SANE INDIVIDUAL WOULD..."

The Eleventh Doctor arrived and said something about a rift which nobody could hear. He then tossed his other incarnations a jelly baby each and went.

"HE'S GIVEN ME A YELLOW JELLY BABY, THE FOOL!" said the Third, and stuffed the jelly baby into Rose's mouth. Rose spat it out disgustedly.

"Wait! I said something about a rift, didn't I?" said the Fifth, eyes gleaming in sudden inspiration. "Why don't we just chuck the Thing into it, close it and have done with all this?"

"GOOD IDEA, ME!" said the Third excitedly. "BUT HOW DO WE GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE RIFT TO CHUCK ROSE IN? INDEED, HOW DO WE FIND IT?"

Romana stirred a little, and Sarah, glad of something half-way interesting to do, grabbed the bowl off the Time Lady and began to stir vigourously. Romana sat up indignantly.

"Oh, by the way, Rassilon wasn't the father of your child," said Sarah. Romana fainted again in relief, but soon woke up as the Third was still cursed to talk in capitals.

"I WISH MY NEXT INCARNATION WAS HERE," said the Third, pouting a little. This was a groundbreaking event in the history of the Doctor's life, as he had never pouted before. There were some who wished he would never do it again, too.

"So do I, me," the Fifth sighed. "I wonder what's happening in the Death Zone?"

--

No sooner had the Fourth Doctor appeared in the Death Zone then it began to rain. Wrapping his scarf round himself protectively, he put on his hat and surveyed his surroundings with interest.

They weren't very interesting.

Still, it WAS the Death Zone. One could only begin to wonder what lay in store for the Doctor here. More to the point, one could only begin to wonder why he had been time scooped.

The Doctor got up, brushing the mud from the seat of his grey trousers in annoyance. It looked like he would have to find out, didn't it?

Thunder pealed, and the Doctor realised just what that meant before he dodged neatly out of the way of the bolt of lightning that followed; a rather remarkable feat, but one he did not really have much time to congratulate himself on. Looking up, he found his eyes drawn inexplicably to a dark silhouette that stood on some far hill.

"Ah," said the Doctor, "I see!"

He began to run towards the Dark Tower, clutching both ends of his soaked scarf to him so as to avoid tripping over.

"HALT!"

He halted.

"IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"

"Oh dear," said the Doctor, and ran very fast in the opposite direction. The figure looked rather disappointed that he had been run away from, and began to cry. The Fourth found a TARDIS, thought what a stroke of luck, and dashed inside, and went back to the others, taking Susan with him. The First was left abandoned in the Death Zone, until a Cyberman came along and tried to launch him.

The Fourth arrived in the First's TARDIS and opened the doors. He stepped out to rejoin the others but smacked straight into Romana. Both the Fourth and Romana looked at one another dazedly, before toppling backwards unconscious.

"Oh not again!" sighed the Third, before reviving them. The Fourth jumped up immediately, and pushed Rose into a chasm.

"She'll survive that easily," the Fifth said.

"I know," the Fourth replied. "It's just to buy some time so I can call my ninth self to get those Torchwood gits to open the rift so we can push Rose in!"

"Err Doctor, how are you going to call your ninth self?" Sarah enquired. The Doctor got lost in her eyes, so Romana gave him a map and a compass so he was fine.

"Well dearest Sarah, I shall use Rose's phone, which I will modify!" the Fourth said grinning like a lovable loon.

"How long will it take to modify?" she continued.

"I already will," the Fourth replied.

"What?" Sarah continued to enquire. "Actually, don't bother. And how did you get her phone?"

"I took it off her."

"Where was it?"

"In her bra," the Fourth said. They all gaped at him in shock, except Romana who looked betrayed and Sarah who just gaped.

"IN HER BRA???? YOU PERV!!" shouted Sarah after 10 minutes of gaping.

"It fell out when she took it off and put it on the Fifth's head."

"AARRGGHHH!!!" screamed the Fifth at the revelation that he had Rose's bra on his wonderful head, and indeed he did. Without further ado, the Fourth typed in a number (how he knew which number is a mystery, one only Rassilon can solve, and he's off somewhere in the wild blue yonder) and called his 9th self.

"He hung up on me!" the Fourth raged. Rassilon arrived, solved the mystery, then disappeared. The Fifth did something extremely odd, and gave everyone a hug, before collapsing, the contact with Rose and her clothing had finally proved too much. The Sixth began morris dancing with Mel and Rose crawled out of the chasm. The first thing she noticed was the Doctors, Sarah and Romana covering their eyes. Then she saw the morris dancing Sixth and Mel. Then she saw a Rutan dashing through hotly pursued by the eleventh swinging a flamethrower and dragging Roberta with him. The Fourth tchahed.

"Tchah," the Fourth said.

"Why did you Tchah?" enquired the Eleventh, after cooking the Rutan to a Rutan shaped crisp.

"You pressed the OTR button!"

"Oh. Oh Rutan."

"What's OTR?" enquired Roberta.

"I don't know Robert."

"ROBERTA!" shouted Roberta.

"NO, HE'S THE DOCTOR!" came the thunderous reply. Everyone turned and shushed Romana, she was being a bit loud after all.

"Anyway," the Eleventh continued, "OTR stands for Opens The Rift."

"Oooooh!" The Third looked at them and swirled his much repaired cape.

"HANG ON, DID YOU SAY 'OPEN THE RIFT'...?"


	5. The Fifth Perks Up!

"AARRGGHHH!!!" screamed the Fifth at the revelation that he had Rose's bra on his wonderful head, and indeed he did. Without further ado, the Fourth typed in a number (how he knew which number is a mystery, one only Rassilon can solve, and he's off somewhere in the wild blue yonder) and called his 9th self.

"He hung up on me!" the Fourth raged. Rassilon arrived, solved the mystery, then disappeared. The Fifth did something extremely odd, and gave everyone a hug, before collapsing, the contact with Rose and her clothing had finally proved too much. The Sixth began morris dancing with Mel and Rose crawled out of the chasm. The first thing she noticed was the Doctors, Sarah and Romana covering their eyes. Then she saw the morris dancing Sixth and Mel. Then she saw a Rutan dashing through hotly pursued by the eleventh swinging a flamethrower and dragging Roberta with him. The Fourth tchahed.

"Tchah," the Fourth said.

"Why did you Tchah?" enquired the Eleventh, after cooking the Rutan to a Rutan shaped crisp.

"You pressed the OTR button!"

"Oh. Oh Rutan."

"What's OTR?" enquired Roberta.

"I don't know Robert."

"ROBERTA!" shouted Roberta.

"NO, HE'S THE DOCTOR!" came the thunderous reply. Everyone turned and shushed Romana, she was being a bit loud after all.

"Anyway," the Eleventh continued, "OTR stands for Opens The Rift."

"Oooooh!" The Third looked at them and swirled his much repaired cape.

"HANG ON, DID YOU SAY 'OPEN THE RIFT'...?"

"No, I didn't," said the Eleventh, "I said 'Opens The Rift'."

"OH."

The Third looked down at the ground, slightly ashamed. He then turned to the Fourth in sudden revelation.

"WAIT A SECOND... HOW DID YOU GET BACK HERE?"

"I used my TARDIS, of course," said the Fourth, looking rather confused.

"BUT HOW DID YOUR TARDIS GET THERE? I'VE BEEN FACING IT FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES."

"You have?"

"Yes."

"Wait a second," interjected the Sixth, tired of morris dancing, "didn't my third incarnation get here about ten minutes ago?"

Mel collapsed and fell into the chasm that Rose had just crawled out of, which caused the Sixth to stop interjecting and jump bravely in after her. This alarmed the Third and Fourth so effectively that they ran over and looked down the seemingly endless hole in panic.

"Here, grab hold of my scarf!" shouted the Fourth, his voice echoing and bouncing off the walls of the chasm. The Sixth, his bravado having run out somewhat, tried to. Unfortunately he had fallen for more than 13 1/2 feet by now, and all that came up the hole when the Fourth pulled his stripy scarf back were despairing screams (and the Fourth Doctor's scarf, of course.)

There was a painful-sounding thud, and then silence.

There was another painful-sounding thud, and Mel let out a bellow of pain that wouldn't have sounded out of place coming from a wounded bull.

"Sorry!" said the Sixth Doctor faintly, from the bottom of the hole. Mel growled.

The remaining Doctors looked at each other apprehensively. The Third was wondering what would happen to him next, as he was the only one who had escaped being separated from himself so far.

Then he got time scooped.

"Oh, for goodness' sake!" said the Fourth in exasperation. "Can't they come up with something more original?"

They couldn't.

"And now I'm all alooone!" he howled like a wolf.

"No you're not," said Sarah and Romana as one. The Fifth, still unconscious, didn't say anything. The Fourth stopped howling.

"Ah, two lovely ladies!"

His eyes lit up. He then realised that this behaviour was not at all in character, so he stopped this too. Everyone got very confused and Rose chose this moment to make another appearance from behind a rock. The Fourth pulled the Fifth's jumper off and very bravely put it on Rose's head.

The Fifth sneezed and woke up. He looked down in suprise at his lack of a jumper, and the unlack of a jumper on Rose's head.

"RIGHT THAT'S IT! I AM NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!" With that, he punched the Fourth, took his jumper back off Rose, bashed her with his bat and broke all her ribs, and had a good wash.

"Ooooh an assertive Fifth, that's rather useful!" said the Fourth delightedly. "Now go and be assertive with the real enemy!"

"Right, I will!" With that he went into his TARDIS, which disappeared, but only briefly. Within seconds, it was occupying its previous spot. Out stepped the Fifth, dragging the Master along. He began to slap him.

The Fourth sighed.

"I meant the other enemy, but nice idea anyway," he said, while slapping the Master too, before disintegrating him. The Master reintegrated, then ran away.

Meanwhile, the Third was driving round in a car that had a striking resemblence to Bessie. He tried to find some way for him to get back to help him to destroy Rose, but couldn't find anything. He decided to find Rassilon, and drove towards the tower, serenading the skies.

"I CROSS THE VOID BEYOND THE MIND

THE EMPTY SPACE THAT CIRCLES TIME

I SEE WHERE OTHERS STUMBLE BLIND

TO SEEK A TRUTH THEY NEVER FIND

ETERNAL WISDOM IS MY GUIDE

I AM THE DOCTOR.

THROUGH COSMIC WASTE THE TARDIS FLIES

TO TASTE THE

"STOP, STOP, STOP!!!!" shouted Rassilon. "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" With that, he removed the curse, and the Third could speak normally again. He also put him back where he was supposed to be.

"Yay!" exclaimed the Third, and Sarah ran to hug him. The Fifth hallooed him.

"Halloo!" shouted the Fifth to the Third.

"Hell," sighed the Fourth, and everyone looked at him strangely. "--o."

"How did you get the curse broken?" asked Romana. The Third shrugged.

"I just sang the first song that came into my mind. My amazing voice leaves even Rassilon speechless. Speaking of Rassilon, have you found the father of your dead child yet?"

"Not yet," said Romana. "It's a bit disappointing really."

The Fifth, proud of his new-found assertiveness, walked up to the Fourth in a rather aggressive way. The Fourth went pale, his eyes rolled back into their sockets, he raised a shaking hand... and fainted clean away before the Fifth had a chance to knock him out, which was what he had been about to do. A bit mystified, the Fifth Doctor quickly made the best of a bad job and shook his fist assertively at his previous incarnation's prone form.

"And that's for your insufferable need to control everything that I do!"

There was silence. The Fifth turned assertively to see Rose standing behind him. He screamed assertively, hit the horrible thing with his bat a few times for good measure, ran away and managed to trip over the Fourth's scarf and get it caught round his shoe, which made him and the Fourth fall down the chasm that Mel and the Sixth had disappeared down earlier.

Assertive screeching floated up from the bottom of the hole, interspersed with bellows and 'Ouch!'s.

The Rose thing, uncertain of what on Gallifrey was going on here, looked round in confusion. Sarah and Romana hid behind the Third, who couldn't find anything to hide behind and so decided to kick Rose.

"And so the final battle begins!" announced the Third rather self--importantly. "Only I can fight this nightmare, and fight it I shall!"

He ripped off his cape, rolled it into a small ball and threw it behind him.

"All alone I undertake this task to--"

"I hear the pompous voice of my next regeneration!" said a new voice. The Third turned in horror to see the face of the Second Doctor, and the body of the Second Doctor too of course. The Second grinned.

"Hello, fancypants! Look who I brought for the ride!" Out of the Second's TARDIS came Victoria, who saw Rose and screamed shrilly, which in turn summoned Jamie who came out, thankfully wearing a new kilt. Rose saw it, and thought, 'Urrgh, this new kilt is yellow, uurrgghh', so she ignited it.

"DOCTORS, MY KILT!"

Al heads turned towards the sauce of the disturbance. All heads looked away, visions of a kiltless Jamie recalled from before, but luckily this Jamie had a burning kilt. Sarah solved the problem by running over and spitting on it.

"I say Doctor, did you really need to drag we away from that, I must continue my report!"

With that, the Brigadier appeared from nowhere. The TARDIS from which he had appeared from was blue. Yes.

Then, as soon as he saw Rose, he brought up his gun instinctively, and opened fire. Bullet's ripped through Rose and then through the Fourth Doctor who had crawled out of the chasm. Sarah yelped, Romana burst into tears, Victoria screamed and the Brigadier shot at him. No change there then. Except for Romana bursting into tears.

Then, the Fourth turned into a Zygon! Sarah yelped, Romana sighed, Victoria screamed and the Brigadier shot at it. Then the Zygon ship landed on it. The hatch opened, and out ran the Fourth Doctor, chewing on a bit of a doorframe, pursued by a Zygon yelling "DON'T EAT MY SHOP!". The ship then blew up, exterminating the Zygons. Thankfully the Doctor survived, though the end of his scarf ignited, and like a fuse the flame ran along it, edging closer and closer to the necklace of dynamite the Fourth had decided to wear. Fashion and all that. The speed of the flame picked up, burning his scarf all the while, edging closer and closer...


	6. The Elite

...so he took the necklace of dynamite off and threw it in the non-existent lake. The scarf crumbled into ash and set his collar on fire, whereupon the Fourth Doctor frantically brushed at the fire.

It didn't work.

Romana yelped, Sarah sighed, the Brigadier screamed and Victoria shot at it, whatever it was.

The Fourth ripped his collar off and threw it away, thereby resolving the problem. Everyone applauded him for this ingenious solution until the Doctors, as one, gasped in dismay and adopted various contorted poses. The Second even went so far as to fall over.

"Doctor?" ventured Victoria. The Second's eyes rolled back in their sockets for a few seconds before he grimaced and rose to his feet again.

"Doctor, what's happening?" Sarah asked to no one Doctor in particular. The Fifth replied from the bottom of the bottomless chasm, his voice noticeably quieter than usual.

"Great chunks of my past... detaching themselves like melting icebergs."

"What?" said Sarah.

"Great chunks of my past, detaching themselves like melting icebergs!"

"Sorry, still can't hear you," said the Brigadier. "Speak up, there's a good lad."

"GREAT CHUNKS OF MY PAST, DETACHING THEMSELVES LIKE MELTING ICEBERGS!"

"THERE'S NO NEED TO SHOUT!" shouted Romana. The Third Doctor harrumphed, then carried on the Fifth's sentence.

"Harrumph. A man is the sum of his memories, you know, a Time Lord even more so."

"One of us must have been time scooped again!" exclaimed the Fourth Doctor. "And he's pulling the others with him!"

With that, the Doctors disappeared. Their respective companions stared at one another (or, in Mel's case, screeched from the bottom of a suddenly-very-empty hole) in dismay. Then they got into their respective TARDISes, and, after a long while, figured out the basic controls by a combination of guesswork and memory (apart from Romana, who already knew a lot).

The Rose-thing yelped in surprise as a lot of TARDISes dematerialised at once. It seemed that Rose Tyler was not the only villain involved in this odd odd oddity-Ood story.

The Beast was so taken aback by the spectacular sight of lots of blue police boxes (with flashing lights on top, lest we forget) disappearing into the ether that it completely failed to notice the newly-reintegrated Master creeping Masterishly up behind it. As it fell into painful unconsciousness it had time only to feel its wrists being shackled together and chained to a large cage.

Then it collapsed.

That was quite obvious, wasn't it?

--

The First Doctor was screaming.

"HARRUMPH, GET THIS CYBERMAN OFF MY LEG!"

"Excellent," said the Cyberleader of the patrol that had found the unfortunate Time Lord. "Prepare for launch."

The First Doctor kicked the Cyberman holding his leg in the face and broke his foot, which hurt him considerably. He then remembered that he still had his gun with him and shot the Cyberman instead. This had much more of an effect on it, and the Cyberman fell over screaming in its death throes.

"Unexcellent," said the Cyberleader. "You will be destroyed!"

What the Cyberleader appeared to have overlooked was that the Cyberman that the Doctor had shot was in fact the Tall Thin Cyberman, who got resurrected so it wasn't really that big a deal to have the Doctor shooting him and I'm rambling a lot so I'll stop now. Anyway, the Tall Thin Cyberman got up again and grabbed the First's leg once more, preparing for launch.

--

The Death Zone had been quiet until the Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, Tenth and Eleventh Doctors suddenly appeared and collapsed in a huge heap of Doctors. Then it wasn't very quiet any more, because everyone was complaining, shouting, arguing and other things that make a lot of noise. Not that way, you sick-minded people.

The Eighth Doctor was very pleased that he had finally appeared in this story and made this clear to the others. The Seventh was groaning in agony, still feeling the effects of Rose's horrible skin. The Sixth appeared to be unconscious, and so wasn't making any noise. The Second and Third were having an argument, the Fourth and Ninth were staring at each other in disbelief and the Fifth was helping the Eleventh hit the Tenth over the head with a handy Rutan (as opposed to a handyman, which would have been a bit heavy).

Then the First's screams echoed throughout the landscape. The heap of Doctors straightened itself out and ran towards the source of the noise, which was actually a tape recorder left as a decoy by the Cybermen.

"Aha! A clue!" shouted the Fourth. The Seventh then proceded to ride a motorbike in a Cyberman, causing them both to blow up in a spectacular sheet of flame, but the Tall Thin Cyberman just got resurrected again. The Seventh flew through the air, and landed on the tape recorder decoy.

"Aha! The clue is destroyed!" said the Eleventh. At that moment, the Sixth decided to open a cupboard, but a Wirrn fell out, extinguishing his hopes of making the story in the slightest sane.

"WWWAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" shouted the Twelfth as he got time scooped in a rather undignified way, landing on the Eighth.

"Yes!" he shouted.

"Excellent!" the Eleventh automatically shouted.

"No!" replied the Twelfth.

"You will be destroyed!" the Eleventh automatically shouted, and began to strangle the Twelfth.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the Ninth.

"Yes, that happens a lot," declared the Tenth.

"And now I'm stuck on Gallifrey. With YOU Scarecrow," the Third raged.

"Oh now that's not very nice, Fancypants! Perhaps London's Burning will cheer you up..." the Second replied.

"This time I have to admit defeat," the Fourth surprisingly declared.

"But that's impossible, even for a Time Lord!" the Fifth announced.

"We go over the wall, of course!" the Sixth yelled.

"NO!! NO!! IF WE FIGHT THE PLANET WILL BE DESTROYED!!" the Seventh exclaimed.

"I'm half human!" the Eighth revealed. All the Cyberman gasped in shock. The gasp was so great that it released sonic sound waves, which threatened to destroy all of them, and the Doctors...!

"I MUST COUNTERACT THIS TERRIBLE... THING!" shouted the Eleventh, and counteracted it by holding his plastic Sonic Screwdriver aloft and switching the blue light on on it. The conflicting soundwaves caused a huge explosion, but fortunately no-one was hurt in the blast. The Cybermen ran off screaming for no apparent reason, or at least they appeared to, and finally all was well.

"Right," said the Twelfth Doctor, picking himself up from the floor, "now what do we do?"

"We find our first incarnation, of course!" said the Eighth Doctor. He strode off and away from the smoking pile of wreckage that once had been a decoy tape recorder.

The remaining Doctors stared after his retreating figure in mild bemusement.

"Isn't he..." remarked the Seventh Doctor.

"Yes," said the Third Doctor, "he's going the wrong way."

"But that's impossible, even for a Time Lord!" the Fifth announced. Everyone looked at him oddly. He shut up.

"Err, if no-one else has noticed..."

The Sixth Doctor was staring at something behind the Tenth's head. The Tenth turned interestedly, then went a bit pale.

"Oh."

"Oh dear," said the Fifth Doctor.

"Oh Rutan," said the Fourth Doctor.

"Great balls of fire!" said the Third Doctor.

"YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!" said the Tall Thin Cyberman.

The Doctors jumped up (but not down) and ran off into the wild blue yonder, the opposite direction to the one the Eighth had gone in. The Tall Thin Cyberman looked round in confusion, decided not to pursue the yelling mass of Doctors, and went back to its patrol to report to the Cyberleader.

The Doctors were very out of breath by the time they had determined that they were no longer being followed by a Cyberman, and had to sit on the grass for a bit while they got their hearts down to something at least resembling a normal Gallifreyan heart rate.

"Can you hear that?" said the Fourth Doctor at length. The Doctors listened intently.

"I can't hear anything," said the Tenth Doctor. There were mutters of agreement which quickly faded away as the Doctor fixed his staring blue eyes on each of them in turn.

"That's the point. The screams... they've stopped."

"Good old Bessie," the Third said. Everyone looked at him like he was insane, then several frying pans hit one third doctor.

"Anywho, the main thing is we are now separated from our Eight and our First selves!" the Fourth explained, while trying to recapture the pet Dalek that had fallen out of his pocket. "We must find them, and I propose a split!" The other Doctors looked around at eachother weirdly, then the Fifth ventured something useful, for a change? No, not for a change.

"But I like to believe three impossible things before breakfast!" Okay, I was right the first time. The Fourth made a decision.

"Right, I've got it! Group one will be numbers 2, 3, 4, 5 and 11, and group 8 will be 6, 7, 9, 10 and 12. Now go!" With that, the Doctors charged off towards their targets ahem other selves.

"Clever plan of mine wasn't it?" said the Fourth to his others.

"It was?" enquired the Eleventh.

"Yes! You see, I selected the best of me! Leave those other fools to go on a wild goose chase like fools!" chuckled the Fourth.

"Err, but our seventh is with them!" the Second pointed out.

"Sacrifices had to be made. If I had said he was on our team too even they would have got suspicious," the Fourth replied. The First Doctor whoooooshed.

"Whooooosh!" The elite group looked up to see the first hurtling down toward them...

"WAIT A SECOND!"

The First stopped hurtling. The elite group looked round to see the Twelfth running towards them...

"What do you want?" snapped the Eleventh, and kicked the Twelfth for no good reason.

"I have as much right to be part of the elite group as you do!" exclaimed the Twelfth.

"Err no."

"Err YES."

"Oh?" said the Eleventh.

"Yes," said the Twelfth.

"Oh," said the Eleventh, and kicked the Twelfth again. This muddied the Twelfth's robes. Enraged, the Twelfth began to hit the Eleventh repeatedly, to which the Eleventh responded by hitting him back.

"Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!"

The Eleventh and Twelfth Doctors stopped.

"I've had enough of both of you!" shouted the Fourth in exasperation. "Get out!"

The two turned to each other once again.

"How dare you?" the Twelfth snapped to the Eleventh. The Eleventh snapped back, "It was your fault, you moron!"

"Moron? I'm not a moron, you sil!"

"A sil!? ME!?"

"SHUT UP!" screamed the Fourth. "GET BACK TO THE OTHER GROUP, BOTH OF YOU!"

"But surely there's no point in them going back there if we've already found our original incarnation," said the Second. The Fourth looked up and then down at the muddy ground in slight embarrassment.

"Oh yes."

The crisis was averted. Now that the crisis was averted, the First Doctor began to hurtle again. Everyone ran to get out of the way except the Twelfth, whose ceremonial robes got stuck in the mud. This was rather annoying for him. Luckily, the First decided to land on a large rock.

"I think he's dead!" said the Third in shock.

"He can't be, otherwise there'd be an almighty paradox," said the Second Doctor. The Fourth nodded. The Fifth went over to check on the First, the Eleventh rocked back and forth on his heels and the Twelfth decided to rip half of his sleeves off and also part of the skirt of his robes, so they now only came down to his knees. This successfully extricated him from the quagmire and he ran to join the others gathered around the First.

Meanwhile, the remaining Doctors were trudging through more mud.

"This Death Zone place isn't very interesting, is it?" said the Tenth Doctor annoyingly. "Mud as far as the eye can see! Mud, mud, glorious mud, nothing quite like it to--"

The Ninth Doctor covered his protruding ears.

"Yes, let's all have a jolly good singsong!" the Sixth said cheerfully. "It'll cheer us up no end!"

"MUD, MUD, GLORIOUS MUD..." chorused the Sixth and Tenth Doctors for no apparent reason. The Seventh merely looked pained as they walked on in single file through the boring brown mud. It looked as if they'd never find the Eighth Doctor in this awful place.

"NOTHING QUITE LIKE IT TO..."

Squelch. Squelch. Squelch. Their footsteps made small sinkholes in the horribly-reminiscent-of-excrement substance they were walking in. It smelt the part too, thought the Seventh bitterly.

"SO FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW..."

And there was a flower. A beautiful little white flower. Stained with mud, but what did that matter! It was pretty! The Seventh smiled. He'd never quite appreciated flora and fauna enough, but when all that he had seen for the past hour or so was mud and the Sixth's fit-inducing coat, he welcomed the change with open arms... metaphorically, of course. What a lovely little flower! The Seventh decided to pick it.

Squelch. The Sixth trod on his flower in what seemed like a deliberate act of gratuitous violence and squashed it into the

"MUD, MUD, GLORIOUS MUD..."

The Seventh nearly cried. His beautiful little white flower! His hands involuntarily clenched into fists and he stared hard at the mud as if it could all suddenly just go away.

That was when it struck!

The fisherman had successfully set the hook, having performed a perfect strike. The little trout was put in one of his pockets for later. Then the Master stood up, embarrassed at having been caught fishing by the Doctors instead of being evil. He then ran away, straight into the Eighth doctor, who was wandering about.

"Aha!" the Eighth declared. The others (apart from the Seventh) ran to give him a hug. The Seventh had found another flower and pounced on it, protecting it from the Sixth.

"Hmm, it seems the Master is not the villian in this, so I wonder who is..." the Seventh muttered to himself. Then the villain in this decided to lay all his cards on the table. He went over to his machine, and time scooped Rose, landing it right in the middle of the disorganised Doctors...

Meanwhile, in the elite group + the Twelfth they were helping the First to recover. The Twelfth turned away, so they seized their chance. They ran off as fast as they could while carrying a Polaris, and hid, and so the Twelfth got confused, and ran off towards the scene of the other Doctors, the Master, the little trout and worst of all, Rose.

Anyway, the elite group took the First to a lake to give him some water. The poor old fellow was very frail, having been launched several times allready. They could see something was wrong. He was collapsing, falling to the floor, his eyes closed, and he began to change.

"OH NO! THE ALMIGHTY PARADOX!" shouted the Eleventh, preparing for the reality imploding doom...

The main villain walked over to his machine, saw that the First was regenerating and screamed, preparing for the reality imploding doom...

Rose felt in her new primitive instincts that something was wrong. It prepared itself for the reality imploding doom...

The Master felt the effects of a paradox coming. He hid behind the Sixth, rather than face the reality imploding doom...

The Seventh began to notice tremors in time. He began to run towards Rassilon's tower, preparing for the reality imploding doom...

The little trout felt the rift in time and space increasing in size, and triggered its self-destruct mechanism, rather than face the reality imploding doom...

Rassilon untime scooped the First, sending him back to Susan on Mondas where they were fighting the Cybermen, averting the reality imploding doom. Damnit, the little trout died for nothing, but luckily he burned a sizable hole in the Master's attire.

The Eleventh went somewhere and fell in a lake, thus excluding himself from the elite group which he shouldn't have been in in the first place. The Twelfth came back to the elite group again. He had only been pretending to be confused as he had sensed tremors in time before... oh, who am I fooling? Suffice it to say that the Twelfth is much better than the Eleventh!

The lake exploded and sent the Eleventh flying high into the air, where he was caught by Rose. He took one look at her hideous face and punched her square on the nose, which improved her appearance no end. Rose fell over backwards and hit the Sixth, who hit the Master, who kicked the Eighth, who fell over and hit the Seventh, who hit the Ninth, who hit the Tenth, who slipped and fell down in the mud with a thud. Thus the Eleventh was the only one standing.

"I WIN!" said the Eleventh, and did his victory dance.

Rassilon the Miraculously Undead One did not like this one bit, and suddenly appeared right in front of the Eleventh with a threatening look in his eyes.

"So you win, do you, my dear Doctor?" hissed Rassilon.

"Err... yes," replied the Eleventh Doctor, stepping back a bit. Rassilon had a severe case of halitosis, probably due to the fact that he had been dead for a long, long time, on a planet not far away at all. Also, bits of him were rotting and falling off.

The Seventh Doctor stirred from the middle of the heap of Doctors, as did the Eighth. Rassilon noticed this slight movement and turned to face them instead, which was the cue for the Eleventh to hit him over the head.

Or it should have been.

Except the Eleventh didn't actually do anything, which kind of spoiled the whole point.

Rassilon's nose suddenly fell off and he scrabbled around for it in the mud. When he found it, he put it in his pocket to stick back on later when he had a glue stick. He straightened up. The Eleventh still hadn't done anything and the Seventh and Eighth were stuck in the pile of Doctors, so things were looking up, mused Rassilon. He pulled out a handy transmat thingy to transport the Eleventh back to his tomb (Rassilon's tomb, not the Eleventh's), then stopped in disbelief.

The trout-made hole in the Master's attire had not been placed in a very good spot, and the Master didn't seem to have noticed this. Much like the Eleventh had his flies open for part of The Martian Revelation, only a bit more drastic.

Rassilon screamed in horror and transmatted out, bringing the Seventh with him by mistake instead of the Eleventh. It is debatable how he actually managed to do this, however. Oh well.

Rassilon then reappeared and took the Eleventh with him this time, although he still didn't put the Seventh back where he was supposed to be. The more perverted of the Doctors took this a bit wrongly, but they were duly hit for this grievous crime.

Rassilon then transmatted Doctors numbers 2, 3, 4, and 5, therefore the elite group. They gathered around a table and drank tea together with the Eleventh and the Seventh. They all were very happy, as they were good.

The sadly disillusioned Twelfth was left alone again, and decided he needed to be vastly improved. He looked like an idiot, but that was unavoidable. He was rather silly, so he took 100 common sense tests. He had also lost a LOT of intelligence in the regeneration, so he taught himself everything he forgot. He then was accepted into the elite group, so Rassilon transmatted him. Although he was still vastly inferior to the intelligence of the other elite Doctors, he was now happy. So, after they had finished their tea, they went off to settle Rose for the final time. The final battle. Again.

At the site of the not so elite Doctors, Rose was dashing around, chasing the Sixth while laughing uproariously and tugging his yellow hair. The Eighth was hiding, the Tenth was throwing peanuts at her and the Ninth was prancing around in a circle. Rose finally won and tugged the Sixth's hair clean off his head. Well maybe not clean. She then began to stoke it lovingly. The Sixth broke down in tears when he saw this, and tried to borrow the Eighths, but he wasn't allowed. A wild rage built up in the now bald Sixth's eyes. He charged towards Rose, the only weapon he possesed being the Ninth's leather jacket, he lit it and thrust it towards Rose, just as Rassilon and the others arrived by transmat...

A/N: (Mork) Sorry, but we are going to make the final chapter a bit saner. Our stories degenerate into complete rubbish when we run out of ideas, but hopefully our next story will only contain elements of madness and not the whole bloody periodic table.


End file.
